1 December 2008, 1:44 pm
I know you probably heard this kind of story thousands of times but I really need help. My childhood was a living hell, I've experienced beating, abusing, touching, manipulation, threat, humiliation, etc etc. IN THE WORST WAY than any child has ever had to bear. My main problem is my mother. She did the 'manipulation' job. She never reacted when the whole family treated me like a total sh°°, when my father was touching me and beating me and so did my cousins, I was locked in my room when I was 4 and when I was calling her she never picked up the phone and then her friends were calling me and laughing at me, she always prefered my brother than me, buying him nicer presents, etc. She is jealous of me, always telling me how bad I look and I always had to have worst clothes than she's wearing, and of course manipulates me since I was bright enough to understand the words...I didn't actually realize that she was manipulating me until my psychologist told me that. All she gave me is the fear of live, I don't have any basis, I don't know how to live, always having bad opinion of myself, tried to kill myself twice, she did'nt even care cause she's always talking about herself. She gave me to a strangers, literally. She packed my things and she drove me to them, she said : please do something with her cause i don't know. ( at this time I was already manifesting my depression 'signals') and so i lived with that family for a year, which turned out to be the perfect family with a perfect mother and it hurt me even more. So I spend my teen age with psychitrists and drugs. I am so screwed up, I'm afraid to talk, and my damn mother still contacts me and everytime she does that I try to kill myself, I'm digusted with myself, i spend my days crying, sometime i think im crazy, i make these strange noises and i'm shaking. I live with my father which is still disturbing cause he used to touch me so I feel digusted all the time. I started my unversity this year and it's been going so well but now again i have no more will to continue it, everyone is forcing me to do what they think it's best for me, i don't have the strenght. I had my birthday 2 weeks ago, my mom didn't even say happy birthday to me even when i asked her to. she gave me 50 euros for my birthday and then sais : i can't believe you come here just to take money from me" so i gave her back the 50 euros. She never give sme anything i have to beg her to be interested in me. I never expereinced love in my childhood and now i can't love others and i hate myself sometimes for being so weak. I could just write for hours, i could wrote a book about my life. Please people give me some advices, any suggestions will do,I would really appriciate it. Tell me what you really think. P.S. Sorry for my english, I'm from Belgium and just learning english. Thanks a lot Dominica... Read More »
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